Coming Out— Part 2!
I’m active in the Mankind Project which offers a modern version of male initiation over a new warrior adventure training (NWTA) weekend. Afterward, if a man chooses to continue his work, we gather in circles to deepen our self-awareness and put light to the hidden parts of our selves. Last weekend, March 6-9, initiated gay, bi, non-binary, and trans brothers and siblings gathered for a rainbow-style retreat deep in the heart of country Texas.
I arrived feeling stressed with my blood pressure spiking over 40 points. I’m wired to soak up emotional discharged, and there were almost 70 men (or humans) from throughout the US. Thursday night, we gathered in a large circle. The energy was good but I began to feel overloaded and anxious. The urge to evacuate reached a crescendo and I left early. Sleep proved difficult, and the pressure of a shadow weighed heavy on Friday—the message or belief of It’s not Safe to be Gay. I only became aware of the subconscious messaging in December 24, and that realization was traumatic— a freight train barreling through me. At the same time, I saw with painful clarity how that shadow had dictated much of my life in terms of the choices I’ve made and how I present myself to others. I yearn to me authentic, and I value that in others; yet I valued comfort, that of others and myself, even more.
Saturday evening, a new brother arrived, someone I knew but had always felt separated from, and it was a surreal moment. The flow of energy around him was different from every other brother and sibling in the room. I jumped up and gave him a big hug and proceeded to share where I was at—the private struggle I had been having during the weekend—and I felt truly seen and heard and in return I got to experience my brother at a heart level that felt mutually honest (such a beautiful moment). A part of me shifted and that energy continued to open much like a budding flower during a talent show put on by many of the brothers and siblings.
As I got onto 45 heading home, a realization hit me—I never completely come out. I was closeted for religious reasons—burning in hell for eternity—which meant that I was not an undercover gay as God could not be deceived. From the Church, my only hope was to deny who I was. When I came out at age 35 (after some fervent prayer), I was already friends with my husband and effectively I came out and we became partners at the same time. I realized at the time that I was likely paying a price by coming out and instantly going into a relationship, but I felt he was a forever partner, and I didn’t want to push that away. His friends were mostly straight. I’ve generally had 1 or 2 close friends and my closest friend, a chosen brother (straight) who had lived with me for 10 years died of a fatal disease a few weeks after I met my husband. My family didn’t accept the new situation (they do now). Work at the time wasn’t safe (employee IDs are 6 digits but mine was FAG390 – I never encountered anyone with letters as part of their ID and I know from an interaction with HR that it was intentional).
Though I was in a relationship that became long term, in most ways I continued to edit myself in the same ways as I had before--- and with my family, even more so. I came out to God, and I came out to my husband, but in so many ways I continued to be closeted. In many ways, my husband was similar in that his parents were conservative and religious, and he worked as a corporate lawyer when I met him—he was used to self-editing (which is why I think he liked to do drag sometimes as a way of expressing his inner-queerness). For me, self-editing is not about being homophobic. I love that I’m gay—it’s who I am. But I’ve been living with a fear of being physically, emotionally or spiritually hurt if others found out (and to be honest, my impulse is to not make others uncomfortable). It’s not Safe to be Gay has been screaming in the subconscious background. Until my husband died, I never knew what it was like to be openly gay and single. The only gay friend I’ve had was a narcissist who liked to feed on my pain so he only reinforced shadows and created a new one around gay men. As I drove home on HY45, I felt a part of me had healed and opened during the weekend gathering, and that part has joy and some grief for being denied for so long.
This part 2 coming out is something I’m not sure how it will play out. Other parts of me will resist. But for a few magical moments, I felt my natural gay self bubbling up! I arrived at the retreat a different man from the one who left. What an amazing gift I received from my brothers and siblings. I’m awash in lover energy infused with gratitude and I look forward to sharing the gay part of me I’ve kept hidden for too long.
