Stepping into Shadow
I spent the last weekend in a Shadow Work workshop. I encountered fear, grief, anger, shame, joy, gratitude and calm in many colors and flavors. It was an adventure into who I am.
We all have them—shadows. They lurk in our sub-conscious, repressed and hidden. Shadows start to form as soon as we are born, perhaps while we are in the womb. Our young minds experience emotions that are too much to process in the moment, messaging that is often negative, traumas and other difficult memories, and we exile the unprocessed energy into the shadowland. As we grow older, these shadows deepen and weave into our ego such that in a sense we believe that the shadows are us. But that’s a lie.
Sometimes, I had awareness of these shadows but so often I had no idea how they were driving my bus. I wondered why my life manifested in certain ways, why I could not choose to behave differently. Carl Jung famously said, Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.
I hear people say there’s nothing wrong with me so why do I need to do any work on who I am? It’s not about being right or wrong, being righteous or a sinner. My shadows are dark, but they are not evil. A very long time ago in the land of New Mexico I met a woman named Berta who took me on a spiritual journey. During the journey, Berta saw that I carried a bag full of shadows, and that I was sad about this bag, but I had made a commitment (or vow) to the Light that I would not look at the shadow stuff. I carried a fear about breaking my vow to the Light because I thought the shadows were evil or would in some way be too much for me to handle. But the shadows are often resistance, reluctance, avoidance, and patterns set from negative beliefs. In my confusion, I equated the dark with evil. My vow came from a place of shadow.
It took the death of my husband 2 years ago to break that vow. I have many shadows—some of them I have burned away. Others, I have gained awareness that they exist—I never get it right, I’m not enough, I’m not lovable, I always fail, I’m bad and many others. In gaining awareness of these shadows, in seeing them, I have gained more agency in how I show up in the world. For example, I’m afraid to speak in front of others because I “know” I will mess up, I will get it wrong and lose the respect of those listening so I avoid that kind of situation as if my life depended upon it. Contradictions to the beliefs are easily dismissed as one-offs or luck; the protectors of these shadows have been around for a while and they are not easily convinced.
These negative beliefs came along at a time when the experience(s) was bad or difficult and I was unable to process the emotions and shame. Shadows formed often with protectors to ensure that I would not have to experience situations that I had been unable to process. But these shadows formed when I was a child. As an adult, I am not being protected by a belief that I will always get it wrong. That doesn’t mean I won’t sometimes get it wrong, but the belief has left me paralyzed and in fear of taking action. Now that I see the shadow, I can choose to step out of it or remain—but it becomes my choice.
Beliefs can be positive to the ego and still be in shadow—I’m a special boy/girl, I get everything right, I know better than anyone else in the room, I’m the smartest one in the room, and so on. Our unconscious mind is far vaster than our conscious mind, and it can hold a lot of shadows. Trust me.
Since embarking on my shadow work journey, I have never experienced so much of the Light. My shadows didn’t cease to exist when I refused to look at them, and in trying to keep my vow to the Light I unintentionally diminished the very thing I wanted to embrace. This may be obvious but ALL PARTS of US WANT to BE LOVED. My deepest, darkest shadows have been waiting for me to acknowledge them, to see them and to love them as I have loved the parts of me hiding in the Light. It is not an easy task to love the parts of me that I have repressed and resisted—places where I hold a lot of shame. But these shadows and the protectors that came along with them did so to help me to cope and to survive; these parts love me in the ways they understand.
I continue on the journey. For me, it is a path to understand how to be my authentic self, to love myself wholly and in doing so be the Light that I have so desperately wanted to be.
